These past few months have been very trial some for me. I have endured some emotional hurdles that were unexpected. i blamed myself for some of the situations at hand. Who else could I blame not man, not god, not the devil. Only myself. For I knew what what transpiring around me. For I have Sound Mind and Free will... However .. I wanted to believe in something so true. .. Don't we all? Want to believe in the impossible.... i can say that i begun to have negative thoughts. I felt attacked from every angle.. Emotionally , Spiritually, Financially, Physically. It was like all of a sudden here i was making this Choice to move forward in my relationship with God... and in the same not wanting to let go of someone I fell very much in love with.....Willing to go to the extremes and endure anything thrown our way and surpass the situations and be triumphed and overcoming... had I listened to that voice in my spirit telling me other wise would I have saved my heart from Pang? Feelings of disbelief, discouragement, sorrow, even anger.... or would I have missed out on this wonderful life lesson achieved. When you love someone you truly and up most surely give a piece of yourself away. a piece you can not give back..... I pray that piece grows and someday flourishes in that individual. and they can pass it on to someone very special. because it was pure and not defiled.
These past few months I have had opportunity after the next brought to my plate and im so hesitant to go aboard. How would all this excel me towards my future goal? Is it ok to let my hair down once in a while, or be ridden with guilt for thoughts of compromise. why is faith so complex?or could that just be me.. I can say as i am imperfect .. even when I bow ... prayers get answered. I was blessed with a brand new laptop which i need for fall semester, I was blessed with money to purchase a new car. I was blessed finances to cover bills, and I was blessed with closure right in front of my very eyes....this very past weeks....All I had given away ... all that I thought I would chop up for a loss. I have been blessed with... and each and every day is new and rewarding.. and who would of thought all i had to do was get on my knees and cry" Jehovah my father only you know the heart I have within. only you precious Lord can heal and remove that which afflicts me. Remove every person and situation I have not the strength to walk away from... If it be of your will bring to light that which is held in darkness and reveal to me that which will hinder me Lord. Protect my family and children , Provide for Us that which I can Not. Only you Lord know my needs, my children's needs and are my supplier. Encase me in your arms and holy spirit fill me with Love and forgiveness .. remove from my heart that which i am unable to do.restore my mind, my spirit.. i love you and forever in all my imperfect ways know that you are Lord of all .. AMEN"

We all fall short.. but we are all Worthy

4 White walls my prison cell

This life Iv'e lived has been str8 hell

So much time to sit and reflect

so much hurt so much reject

Misunderstood, hoodlum my lable

My homelife had never been stable.

Fosterhomes

Grouphomes

Streets Ive lived, hustled and roamed

Alone to come up on my own...My feet have been shackeld

The food taste like sh&!

the silence oh man.

that made me sick..

When I got free

who gave a f&c!

Only the homies who helped me come up.

Ward of the state till I get cut loose

Abandoned and bruised Deafeat....?

I REFUZED

I swallowed my tears Cuz i was told Gangsters dont cry

Held my head up.. For only the strong shall survive.... By Holly Rendon 1991

I found this original poem I wrote to myself when I was just a young tender.13 years old..ive changed it through the years.applied pieces and bits here and there of it in other works i've written . but this is it in its original form...,,, and i read it 2day and I look into the eyes of my babies my daughters and i think to myself man.. I cant imagine ... couldnt even comprenhend the thought of them having lived a pinch of my history. My oldest will be 13 in 2 months and sometimes it just terrifies me.. Change is great but the memories will always remain the same.. i did the best i could with what I was given . not truley having the proper tools for successs. and just jumped every hurdle that came my way.. and when i did fall?... did what only i knew to do.. brush the dirt off my shoulder and keep moving, keep smashing forward to the next goal. by all means neccesary survive or die trying.. Dont get me wrong I love the legit life.. theres peace and praise in hard work and effeciancy through the struggle.. yet i didnt think Id live to c 31.. so i lived from 1 extreme to the next, mashing and smashing trying to bulldozed every weak individual out my way until i found myself crashing. All i wanted to do was give them all i never had.. Id never concidered i would eventlually only give them all I had ever known... i aint embarrased to put pen to paper or tips to keys and shower my life here for those to read.. c im real as real as it gets and only for that do i want my respect.I recall being up late many of nights with so much torment in my head and not having the ability to shake the thoughts. i was missing my babies so much. it was like my heart was shattered, mended and pieces were missing .. the pieces that fell through the cracks .. so it just wouldnt beat right...i had finally achieved MY DREAM.. a family.. a family to call my own.. and like emerald .. BAM!!! it all went up with the smoke.. the smoke that I had used just to cope.I lost it all... and to stay real... for the record.. Somewhere along that journey I also lost myself.. I had this thugg life in my veins, and it had been phucking me off since I was a tender, I thought having childeren would bring out a softer side of me, yet I remained a savage in many ways. Hardheaded, A stubborn (lord 4 give me) Bit%$ who went for the Gold and always got it. but in the same in some sicc twisted way enjoyed getting hurt and surrounded myself with shyt, bullshyt, and some mo shyt...I used to think " I'm doing the best I can" thats all i evr could, the best way i knew and know. hating my beauty at times yet using it as deception knowing that behind the smile I was really just a lil girl thrown to a world to grow up fast ,so young, cover her wounds and fears, dry up her tears , and learn to depend on mutha F'n no-one. I came up solo on the Street of the Big NO.. hustlen to Survive each and everyday.. why u say? because.. I knew of nuthing else..but just that... and Fearing nuthing and no-one but God himself.. So lost in in the game i couldnt even give it up for the lives of my precious baby girls or my first born Son.. I Fuc'd up I'm women enuff to Admit it.. I allowed my heart to be lead by my emotion.. I begun to feel when i never did. I cried when I promised I wouldnt. i let my guard down and got infantrated... This soldier str8 slipped..But I contined threw the stormy weather just kept living , continued keepin the faith , kept rollen so i couldnt get rolled over.. And I have to admit i've come along way. farther than Ive ever been brave enough to venture. Ive opened up doors that Ive had shut. I'm allowing the women inside to step up. I look back at the girl I'm leaving behin Im human , i still cry from the hurt deep inside, i want more than people could know... but just for today I'm taking it slow... I'm a wild flower precious and free and finally living a life.. thats been waiting for me.I'm positive that all these single parents out here doing it on there on there own didnt plann it to b that way.. cuz lord knows it aint easy, and I aint talking bout financially .. I'm talking bout holding your babies in your arms and rockin em to sleep as you wipe there tears cuz mommy or daddy aint been round in months for some ... years!.. or for that parent up late crying and dying inside because the state has there babies feeling defeated cuz they cant rectify there mistakes. We all fall short. I know I have. But From Dollers to Dope fiens .. we all love of kids and want the best for them .. its just the poor choices we make along the way and sometimes we dont relize it till its to late and we do hurt the ones we love . our kids. Im greatful today cuz im living 5years clean and thats nuthing nobody can give or take from me.. thats definition of heart , self love, self worth, hard work.. I showed a system out to prove i was corupt from the floor up that by all means neccasary I wasnt going to let them raise my babies and fail them just as they had failed me..IHeres a piece of me to share...

Its been 1 year since I lost my mother to heroin and I have my moments of struggle when I dont have the answers I need to the questions I have on just what it is Im doing as a Mother.. I ran away from Home at the tender age of 9 and saw my mother once a few monthes after that. never to see her again. I never thought the next time i would here of her would be from the county coroners office in another county to tell me i was next of kin.. I guess I'm still trying to process all of that. and in the same look at my life and see just how I broke the chain..the curse......Everybody is in need of prayer...................even me ... Even you

so heres to all my Heros .. those climbing from Gutter to Glory .. i got madd Respect for you. Keep your head up! Never give up!

Truth Be Told

I was sitting outside enjoying the fresh air today...... looking at the sunlight streak across the flower bed... I thought to myself how peaceful..... how beautiful........how could i have not allowed my self to enjoy this sooner............. these past five years have been a journey of recovery..... not just from pollutants that i have ridden my body and mind with... but pollutants that I have allowed in my life .... pollutants that have derailed me and slowed my progress of reaching my appointed destiny...... derailed me because of my own ignorance of particular matters of the heart......but what I didn't know then ... trust and believe I know now..... I kn0w beyond a shadow of doubt that god is great and his mercy prevails even the tragic of demise we self inflict upon ourselves because of decisions we have made .. from our own free will.... Like I mentioned before... I have ventured the wife life twice..... and that second time ... took me for a run... sometimes we want something so bad ...... we see things or others for that matter for what we wish them to be rather than whom or what they really are.... We see inside of that person or thing and stay.......because we tell ourselves we see the good and the potential they have or could one day obtain...... at least i know I did............... and sometimes trying to change someone or something can inevitably aid in you changing yourself.... and sometimes that is the worst thing ... we can do to our self... betray our self.... ... I allowed myself to endure situations and events that have forever changed my perception on life ... note it has never changed my heart ..... but it did create me to become more resilient in the ending conclusion.... we all crave love.........desire love...........yearn, even get burned.....for love..... but there comes a point in life where we can loose focus of what love is about.... because we are so caught up in the moment of situations ... and the thoughts of what we wish to be true.... holding on to hope that we didn't deny ourselves the truth............and that we didn't allow ourselves to become victims of someone else...understanding we were really victims of our self.... i say this because you only receive what you allow to be given...... sometimes good people receive undeserving bad for no apparent reason....... we victimize our self because we.... I repeat.. We allow situations to take place by inviting people, places, things unknowingly into our lives.........so be cautious in the company you keep.... we are human and imperfect..... and not all lessons must be learned or earned the hard way........ I wish i could say this then .... what I can say so easy now..............The key is before loving someone else.... first and foremost love yourself ............so i was out side today in the sun... jotting down some notes and putting pen to paper to record my deepest thoughts in song.... as I sat up a note fell out of my note book..... I opened it up it was a note I had composed one night November of 2005...... a night when i sat alone and really thought about how I had wanted something so bad that i had ultimately allowed myself to be broken down and lost my self in the process..... I cant say it something I'm proud to share... but I can say it is just one of many reasons I have developed standards in my decision making...... like I said before.. lessons learned the hard way..... hard knocks for hard heads..... I'm positive in knowing I am not the only person who has made decisions foolishly utilizing my heart as a decision maker .. rather than use my common sense to do what was best for me ......... so with that.. .. I don't want to keep this lil piece of me to myself.................I release this past and give it away ....

I had a lover I would do all and everything for...... Now i just want to even the score... He took my love and my laughter and filled me with fears......... He beat me down and left me.......... Drowning in a puddle of tears............... I unconditionally trusted him completely .................. with all my heart and my soul.............. He sold that too................ and left me cold........................... To cold to feel all the pain he left.......... To high to feel all his reject.... I gave them life ... and even then he took them away............... And till my last breath is taken ... I'll forever remember that day............. The wrenching i felt..... when My heart straight died......... The tears that left me gagging........ Falling from my blackened eyes....... How my world turned black with no remorse...... How I walked around High............ Like Death to a corpse............ I gave him my all.......... Even my trust.......... And after it all......... In the end? I was left licking up dust............. He took my pride...... He crushed my hope............ all I could do was smoke just to cope....... Somehow I'd lost my plan........ he was the master ..... I........... the clay in his hand.......... God damn that man............ I don't understand.......... How once I was his biggest fan. Holly Rendon 2005

OK not the happiest piece of me... but a piece of me non the less..... Now I can look into the eyes of my children with so much love and peace in knowing there is no greater love but there's and the pure love of God.. That sometimes we make foolish decisions based on our own insecurities .. and sometimes we hurt the joys in our lives because of those choices... I am so grateful today for yet another chance to live,... to love..... to laugh............and to continue living the rest of my days .... as if each one was my last........................ Remember I said I was gonna keep it real raw and uncut.... I'm reaching for healing ... I'm grasping on to hope, faith keeps me moving........... and God helps me cope...........

Be Real......Be Wise....Be You................

A time comes in your life when you finally get it... When in the mist of all your fears & insanity you stop dead in your tracks & somewhere the voice inside your head cries enough!!! Enough fighting & crying, struggling to hold on. And like a child quieting down after a tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you blink back your tears & threw wet lash's you begin to look at the world through new eyes... You realize it's time to stop hoping & waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety & security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact he is not prince charming, you are not Cinderella and in the real world there are not always fairy tale endings or beginnings. A happily ever after really begins with you, and through this process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. My mother wrote me once and said... "You are not perfect, not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are... and that’s OK. It’s their views, their opinions. If you live your life trying to please everyone around you? You will leave no room to please yourself”. I have learned the importance of loving yourself, and finding confidence? births self approval. Stop complaining and blaming other people for things they did to you... or did not do for you... learn that the only thing you can count on is the unexpected. Learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say & that not everyone will always be there for you. Stand on your own and take care of yourself and in the process safety & security will birth self reliance...Stop judging & pointing fingers. Begin to accept people as they are & overlook there shortcomings & human frailties... and in this process a sense of peace & contentment brings forth forgiveness...Realize that much of the way you view yourself and the world around you is a result of all the messages & opinions that have been en-grained into your psyche. Sift threw all that you have been fed about how you should behave, look, weigh, wear, shop, drive, live, work, sleep, marry, expect of a marriage, the importance of having children, raising them, and what you think you owe your parents. Open up to new worlds & different points of view, begin reassessing, redefining who you are & what you stand for (REALLY)!! Learn the difference between wanting & needing... Learn to go with your instincts and trust in God with all of your life... Learn that it is truly in giving that we receive...There is power and glory in creating & contributing... Stop maneuvering threw life as a consumer, fiend, looking for your next fix... Learn the principles; honesty & Integrity, faith & prayer are the motor that holds together the foundation upon which your life must be built. It’s OK not to know everything. Distinguishing between guilt & responsibility, the importance of setting boundaries, learn to say No!!! The only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry. Martyrs get burned at the stake. Learn bout love. Romantic love & familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving & when to walk away. Don’t project your needs, feelings onto a relationship. (I will not be more beautiful, intelligent, lovable, and important because of the person on my arm. Look relationships as they really are, not as you would have them to be. Don’t try to control people, situations & outcomes. Just as people grow & change, so is it with love…. You don’t have the right to demand love on your terms just to make you happy. Alone does not mean lonely… Look in the mirror & come to terms with the fact you will never be a size 2 or a perfect 10 & you stop trying 2 compete with the image inside your head & agonizing over how you stack up. Stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over & ignoring your needs. Learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK. It’s your right to want & that sometimes it is necessary to make demands. You realize that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity, respect & won’t settle for less!! Allow yourself a love who will cherish you to glorify you with there touch & in that process you internalize the meaning of self-respect. Learn that your body is your temple, care for it & treat it with respect, eat right and take care of your health, take time to rest, take time to laugh and play… laughter fuels the soul. You learn that in life you get what you believe you deserve & life is self fulfilling. Anything worth achieving is worth working for & wishing for something to happen is DIFFERENT than working toward making it happen….In order to achieve success you need direction, discipline & perseverance. No one can do it alone & its OK to risk asking for help... You learn that the only thing in fear is fear itself. You learn to fight for your life & not squander it. Life is not fair, you don’t always get what you want or think you deserve & sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting good people. You learn it’s not God punishing you or failing to answer your prayers, its just life happening. Learn that negative feelings, anger, resentment, must be understood & redirected so as not to suffocate the life left in you. Admit when you’re wrong & build bridges instead of walls. Take comfort in the simple things you once took for granted. Live life for God, for you and the rest will fall into place.

God’s word is “ Sharper than any two-edged sword” Hebrews 4:12)

This past week I have had the opportunity to look inward and recognize with clarity the root of seeds flourishing in my spirit. seeds bearing fruit that do not profit me. Seeds that were planted to create discord and discouragement. I found myself struggling with emotions I was unable to contain... trying to control?.. yes!...contain ... not in the slightest... what individual in there natural state of mind does not try to control there emotions... especially when they are determined to seep out threw tears .. trying to cleans the body of unwanted saddness. Though we should not walk or be lead by emotions .. sometimes we do.......we are created imperfect.... the key is to recognize this and turn to God for direction ....and discernment...... to provide clarity.....creating understanding.... cleansing...promoting healing.... extending to progress.... and proceeding..... towards growth...by obtaining knowledge..... only to excel. i couldn't have found or came to understanding anything i have with out fervent prayer and seeking god on my face.
It is very easy to... just to keep it simple.. tell someone exactly how you are feeling.. thinking... reacting.... to be quick to respond to a comment that was piercing and meant to discourage ... hurt.. humiliate.... and sometimes even mock you... It is so hard sometimes to do what Christ has commanded us and forgive.“If you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses” (Mark 11:25) Sometimes its even harder when you know the person is someone who proclaims to walk with God in public but behind closed doors allows Satan to attack you threw them... and the hardest part is ... identifying that to be the root .. and that it is indeed not the individual.... but that they have unfortunately succeeded in allowing the enemy to use them as such a tool... that's why it is very important to stay armored up in gods word......so that when the enemy attacks....... you are prepared by having the word of god in your heart.. And for the individual knowingly not taken heed to Gods laws and speaking lies and creating discord they too shall fall under gods wrath.... ex specially those having sworn to uphold Gods law or ......................... a least proclaiming to (Leviticus 5:4).
A little piece of me...... i recently shared that I was shaken by an event unexpected... and threw Gods Grace,... his mercy.... his love..... i still am encourage to move forward..... to find healing in knowing the greater good that will abound from what at first I thought to be a trial .....to be tragedy....
I have had a individual that has stepped into my inner circle unwelcome...uninvited....uninvited by me...proclaiming to walk with God..i say this not to judge but because of the fruit being brought forth by this individuals deeds.. so sour... and not sweet or pleasing to taste.... trying to be the bigger person sometimes can make you wary........make your tired... straight up make you irritated... it is so easy to just give in and really give somebody a piece of your of mind... but its more work to hold your tongue and not.......so with that being said.... Prayer works my people... man.... the situation I'm facing at this moment ... I know God is good......and my relationship with him is so evident .. I'm falling in love with it.... i found myself for the first time able not to strike back at an individuals statements negatively but with Gods words as constructive correction..... that was not me but god threw me... and i found peace replacing the anger that was stirring within...
Have you ever ran into Christan's proclaiming to be Christ like in public but behind closed doors the walk as UN-Christian's.. they remind me of white washed walls..(Matthew 23:27) walls that look good on the outside but are empty on the inside.. Speaking and using god as if he was waterfall on there lips... throwing there words out there to take a position that they are mighty in there walk with God and your walk is nothing but pebbles in sand in comparison.. But the quiet....... the meek?... those that seek God on there face and stay in there closets.... they are those that when facing challenges, the word of God will flow profusely and without discord or confusion but constructively. Trust and believe......... i know this was not me.... but God threw me...so attached you will find a letter i addressed to someone today. Don't want to keep this to myself.... so ???????? I'm gonna give it away..

Dear Ms.X,
Responding to your criticism of sowing seeds of discord and all the emails that you are reading that I have not responded to, for they were not for you .. Rather than let my flesh and my emotions speak I have sought God and this is what I will say only once.

” If I were to try to read, much less answer, all the attacks made on me, this shop might as well be closed for other business. I do the very best I know how- the very best I can: and I mean to keep doing so until the end. If the end brings me out all right, what’s said against me won’t amount to anything. If the end brings me wrong, ten angels swearing I was right would make no difference- Abraham Lincoln)

and may I add…

“Having your conduct honorable among the Gentiles, that when they speak against you as evildoers, they may, by your good works which they observe, glorify God” (1 Peter 2:12) Criticism can consume our lives to the point of emotional paralysis, or we can set our hearts to serve God on display. Doing that? We don’t need to answer our critics with our words- our lives will say all that is needed. Ms. X, I know you’re familiar with the parable of the sower. People who hear the Word and receive it joyfully are like seed sown on stony places: they spring up quickly but endure only a short time because they have no roots (Matt. 13:6, 20-21) Roots are not all that glamorous, but they are the source of our strength. If our roots go deep in the knowledge of God (Jere. 9:24) and our lives are hidden in Christ (Col 3:3), we’ll be strong, resistant to blight, and more likely to survive the storms of adversity. But that does not mean that it will not pain us in the process... Hurt is real. The most powerful Testimony is a Godly life..

Paul’s last recorded words dealt not with what he had done in life and ministry but rather with how he viewed people. What makes it more significant is that some of those words were about people who had disappointed him ...”At my first defense no one stood with me, but all forsook me. May it not be charged against them”(2 Tim 4:16) His last words were those of compassion and kindness instead of harshness and retaliation. Will your last words show the grace of Christ or the bitterness of a wounded heart? The answer should impact the words we use today.. What words will be your legacy? Why is it when you hear or read about someone who is suffering, you are more interested in the details of what, why, when, and where than you are about how you can help. Read (John 9:1-12) Jesus revealed they were dreadfully out of step with there Masters Heart. In fact, lurking beneath there question was a judgmental spirit- a desire to know who to blame- as if that would make anyone feel better! Feeling curious about somebody’s problem? Shift into Jesus mode and move past the point of curiosity to his or her point of need. Reach out and touch someone’s pain. Show the compassionate love of Jesus in action.. Amongst gods commands to his people is “you shall not bear false witness against your neighbor”(Ex. 20:16) gossip could also be included in the command because it violates the law of love toward our neighbor. Proverbs uses strong language to describe this use of our words. “It’s like “a club, a sword, and a sharp arrow” against others (25:18)

When I feel wrong, I can contrive a hundred reasons against forgiveness. “He needs to learn a lesson’”” she said that to be spiteful and sow discouragement” “I let her stew for awhile; It’ll do her good.” “It is not up to Holly to make the first move.” When I finally soften to a point of granting forgiveness, sought God through prayer, it seems a leap from hard logic to mushy sentiment. One factor that motivates me to forgive is that as a Christian I am commanded to. As the child of the father who forgives. Jesus said, “If you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses” (Mark 11:25)

HE WHO CANNOT FORGIVE OTHERS BURNS THE BRIDGE OVER WHICH HE HIMSELF MUST PASS-Herbert

The discerning believer understands his own heart and takes steps to deal with conflict diplomatically Proverbs 17:27 tells us: “He who has knowledge spares his words.” This means keeping in check a multitude of opinions that could ignite further anger in others. Someone who displays wisdom will think before speaking, and then will share only insights likely to be helpful. Have you ever read the book THE EAST OF EDEN? It illustrates the conflict of jealousy and revenge in the story of Cain and Able. Cain burned with Anger(Gen 4:1-6) Cain’s anger and jealously if not brought under control, would eat him up and spill out in destructive behavior. But if you bring your anger to the lord and ask for his help, in his strength you will have victory.. The book shares how an angry heart burning with revenge does not have to act a certain way. There’s always a choice….. That’s the free will you had expressed earlier in one of your earlier responses.. This marriage that you continuously speak of being brought back is of Gods will that its not of his will for it to be apart? You spoke of everyone having there own will… I do know that that what god has joined together let no man put asunder. It was your will that filed for Divorce.. Not Gods will.. Everything that has played out is a ramification of everyone being outside of the will of God. Including me. Sometimes getting real is hard to face. Even had to do.. Seems I have noticed that some Christians act decidedly UN-Christian while trying to prove how Godly they are….. Choosing to protect personal preference rather than demonstrate the love of Jesus to a watching world.. .. In his love, we don’t react disdainfully toward others simply because we don’t agree. Jesus said, “By this all will know that you are my disciples, if you love for one another”(John 13:35) Do others see the love of Jesus in you when they see your behavior?( 1 John 4:21). “ The Lord does not see as man sees; for men looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” (1 Samuel 16:1-7) God’s word is “ Sharper than any two-edged sword” Hebrews 4:12) piercing all the way through the external stuff of our lives, all the way down to our thoughts, intentions, and REAL MOTIVES……………

Over all I think God allowed me to go threw this because he wanted me to see what happens when Holly puts herself in charge. What we think, feel is not necessarily the best that GOD desires for us. Isaiah 55:8 the Lord said my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways”…. When you have time on your hands put them together in Prayer.. Ephesians 5:15-16

Thank you

Gutter to Glory

OK here it goes..... I have come to a conclusion that in my short lived adventurous amount of time spent here on Earth.. I have journeyed from gutter to glory. and all before I was 30.. wow.. as I sit and reminisce... reflect.. recollect all the years.........years of searching, seeking, clawing and crawling, underestimated, misread, mishandled, misused, misplaced, neglected, dazed, confused, breathing..... yet choking.... gasping and barely able to move....desiring, longing, needy......not greedy, hurting yet humble, scared, scarred, bruised, used...... Fearful.. yet still faithful.. hopeful, yet.... careful, broken, cracked, weakness's for some, became strengths that were lacked.....surviving, struggling, standing alone.... well i thought...now realizing.. i was never alone.. my God has always been beside me.... carrying me threw my past and into my present.... I am truly thankful and praise God for all and everything I have endured... because now i understand why I had to go through what i have conquered...lost all i had gained fast and through the streets, through hustle ,and obtained through the game... all in vain for worldly fame......and was brought down on my knees.. literally licking up dirt from rock bottom as God reached down and pulled me back up.... completely broke me down and shook the foundations that i stood on so he could build me back up triumphantly and and place me firmly on solid ground... and providing clarity and restoration within my mind so as to utilize the wisdom obtained to continue towards my calling for his purpose... and his glory...........I have finally came to a turning point in my life where i can tell the Devil to "Kick rocks.. and put some dust between us!"..So many times I find my self drawn to just talk openly about myself with complete strangers ...From the prominent to the down right drunk and disorderly... always a different subject however..... forever ending on the same note ...that God is amazing.. and knowing that in some way.... no matter how small.. i have just planted a seed of hope in a strangers life.. and sometimes... i think, wow that was weird????? That... that person would be going through that.. and that i have gone through that.. and that we were here at the same time to testify to the fact that God is a God of restoration and ... a God of Hope...that he knows every pain ... and understands... and that through him All things are possible....(1 Cor 9:22).... Well with that being said.... let me tell you something about me... the whole truth and nothing but the truth.. I hope that by me sharing my testimonies of trial and error .. I can lead some suffering sinner to the kingdom of Christ... share the hope I have found within myself because of Gods unfailing love for me... a love that is just to precious to keep to my self..

Well as you may already know My name is Holly... hello... very nice to meet you.. and I have endured some tragedies in my life that to be honest don't want to keep to myself anymore..... so I'm going to give them away... piece by piece.......

I lived the life of a ghetto star Hood queen, Crystallized dope fiend,
That hard knock life full of broken dreams.....unfair? ya, it seems.
raised on welfare, I always knew my life was unfair.
My mother had a habit, the kind where you slam it, for give me Lord.......
but............ God damn it I couldn't stand it.
i was told to always keep my head to the sky, Forever keep my dreams and ambitions alive.. ..... Always to live each day... as if it was truly my last... Cause I can survive ....or die trying......... incredibly fast.....
Living the life of hate and strife.... I've ventured the wife life... twice... It wasn't nice.... Advice?
The streets will eat you up like locust... So NEVER loose focus.. Cause like a savage? The streets are ferocious.................
It has been a hard life, been a hard walk, However...

I'm still breathing.. where some just cant talk..Came up in the game.. lived that hood life of shame... everybody knows your name... nobody forgets your face... .. trying to stay ahead of the race until my addictions gave chase.............
Running wild and high.. In this life its survive.. or die...
Where the weak get smashed.. and only the strong will last..... or get hustled ... real fast...... but to keep it so real? I screwed up...... I was lit up......Spousal abuse had my mind bound up.... I'd given up.. My heart was mangled... my life.. was tangled... My mind locked up in shangle's....
The tears had soon faded ... but back then they just fell.. . I dropped the ball.. only thing left ?...was to crawl........ Lord caress me.. Bless me I was weak and ready to fall......then.. I threw up my hands and cried.... save me!!!!

Holly Rendon 2005

Well there you have it just a piece of me.... gotta give it away to continue moving forward... Going to break the barriers and the fears of being real, completely and totally. I realized the only thing to fear is fear itself... From what i have witnessed in my short life as it pertains to others ability to grow and progress and move past there failures and fears? Is some individuals are just to scared to be real, raw and uncut....... worried about how others may view them...what a sad way to continue living life.

the only opinion that truly matters, is the opinion one holds of themselves.

I know I am not the only one out here still searching and ready to grow.................
I wont worry about trying to sound as though I'm intellectual and that i have all the answers, the only answers i have are the ones that i have sought for myself.. i do pray that giving a piece of me can relate to someone.. even if only one...... and implant a desire for something much more within themselves.... a craving... a crving for?... more than the life that he or she has lived.....to desire the life awaiting them .. if they are daring enough to venture to the brighter side of life...so god bless you and enjoy this little piece of me

A piece of me

How far has God brought you?........ Have you ever stopped to consider the journey.... considered just how far he has carried you?.. What he's carried you through and continues to carry you towards....and the fact that he will take you all the way..... There's mountains that I've had to climb, and just when i thought I'd reached my top in life..Succeeded in my ultimate journey to my victory, life's pitfalls became a stumbling block in my path..just when i thought i had endured all i could , just when i said to my self.. "enough... i cant take it anymore!!!.. this is just to much"Shaking my head... hands trembling ...catching the tears as my sorrows seeped out into a world that did not care... care to love me... love me the way i craved to be loved, desired to be accepted, wanted my needs to be fulfilled, searching for an answer that would never come... why?.. Because I was searching outside my self... if only I had listened to myself, listen to that voice speaking life inside of me, instead of searching for myself in the reflection of anything and almost everyone that stroked a sense of comfort into my life ... a comfort that only lasted for but a brief moment .... a temporary fix for a illusion of what i thought was of necessity's for my life, my needs... my wants. only to inevitably... still find my self searching... dreaming... needing ... and ultimately feeling a sense of failure.. bringing me once again to my knees. .. then again.....as always... something deep inside collaborates together and i find myself pushing myself back to a standing point.. head lifted high, tears in my eyes and ultimatly continuing to press forward.. step by step.., I've had days when only rain came down in my life pouring situation and circumstance like a thunderstorm in my lifeline.... days when i thought no sunshine or break in my stormy weather would ever come to pass. When i have reached my breaking point and threw my hands up and said "Lord i just cant do this!" Why? It's just to much, i can't handle this, my heart cant take no more ..I need your help!!.. "i need your help just to get from here to there..." then I know it was in those times my father just like a parent to there child reached down and grabbed those hands and helped lift me back up off my knees and onto my feet.. and gave me windows of opportunity to take a new direction.(I Cor 10:13) Silently continuously pushing me towards my appointed calling in life, as the holy spirit festered deep within me silently guiding me without... at first... my knowledge of it.... it was at those weak minded moments and failing spiritual times in my life that God carried me when i had not the strength to carry myself. appointing others unknowingly to step into my lifeline.. to assist in pushing me forward to my finish line... Push me closer to my appointed destiny to shine for his glory....Not realizing at first.. how there presence in my lifeline.. no matter how briefly they attended to it.. would impact me... and unknowingly... help instill a streangth that I would need to continue to my next task in life.. and continue on towards my calling as they stepped there way out ...and continued on there own journey...Trials that came into your life to really... in the end just make you stronger.....Ever came to a point that your tired.... just tired of crying?.... slowing dying.. striving to survive.. day in.. day out.. mentally ... emotionally....I believe everyone has moments of battle within... when they just cant handle the situation and felt like there backed up against a wall... stuck in a dead end.with no turnabout.. with know lead way for escape.. and the only way out... is up.... the irony of heaven. and the Sun... to see it you have to look up.. and the only thing that is always shining on you is the sun.. The world can not flourish with out the sun it is essential for lively hood, for growth , for our progress, our development as a species. without it there would be death to a civilization.. It is absolutely essential and of complete necessity. and then the Son, he is always shining over us... the light in our darkness... the essential nourishment for our growth as an individual to be productive, to progress, to developed his children for a greater purpose..because we are absolutely essential and every one individually of great importance... hmmmm?

i know he brought me this far and he's going to take me all the way....... God is so miraculous and in the same i think he has the best sense of humor.. because no matter the situation at hand when you stop listening to everything.. to everyone.. and take heed and listen to him.. you stop.. you pause.. and think to yourself?? Wow.. why didn't I see that.. it was right there in front of me... Why did I do that.. I should of known better... how silly of me.. things weren't as bad as i thought .. i still have a way of escape out of this situation.. I still have an opportunity to elevate myself from the situation .. and sometimes if you really listen .. you can hear that little voice say... its going to be OK........and once again hope presses you forward and faith motivates your every step... and when you look back to recall a situation ....not to relive it.. you think to yourself... again... wow.. had i not went threw that... i wouldn't be where i am now.... Nothing ... I repeat nothing ... in your life.. others lives... or my life...is accidental... Everything is of purpose and pulled together to form glory for his kingdom.. the word clearly states that he knew you before you were formed... before your first breath into this life. (Jeremiah 1:5).. To grow you have got to give.. so just for today ?... I give this little piece of me to you......

The Venting Room .. Where nobody Listens and everyone cares

Ever wanted to say what was just really on your mind... but somehow the words stopped dead as they followed to the tip of your tongue...Ever had that moment in your life when someone has galloped onto your stage acted like they were the main attraction in your act and caused so much distraction.. you forgot the story line .. the main focus of the attraction? Ever had moments when what you wanted to say, needed to say, but somehow just couldn't say...or didn't say for that matter... froze you over and completely kept you mute... How about "all of a sudden?".. Imagine.. your day was going fantastic then... all of a sudden showed up into your inner circle...graced you with there unwelcome uninvited comments or actions or presence.. ... I call that a slap of "All of a sudden".. and the feelings left within from the grand finale just needed to be verbally purged. .. but that little voice in your head said "shut yo mouf... your gonna regret that!".. I have experienced moments of such .. moments that seemed to momentarily ruffle my invisible feathers, however slightly... they were ruffled none the less...... .. I think, I believe nothing is to great to withhold. If it ain't healthy for you?...then dang it, give it back. Not in the same manner as received but in ?.. to keep it simple.. in the nicest words possible.. Some things just need to be spoken with the knowledge of knowing those words are a projection of a feeling that is only for a brief moment in your lifeline...that this too shall pass ...and then you may begin to press forward past the situation presenting itself ...then????? come to the venting room and say exactly what you meant to say..... Let it all out .. get it off your chest .. let it go .. so you can start over. Don't worry about the next man/woman and what there going through.. they probably got some things on there mind as well that they would like to give somebody in there circle a piece of. well. I'm inviting you to a challenge.. Let go .. and let loose.so you can move forward... all comments welcome. Let the challenge begin

I have purpose

At first I didn't know what i should say.. I was uncertain about sharing my up most personal thoughts.... So I hesitated........... then I thought, man.. i have hesitated all my life. I have never given myself the opportunity to enjoy myself truly. So worried about everyone else and if they were OK.. Having a heart for others is difficult at times,... not all the time. there is reward in giving, reward in sharing. yet in the same if you only give, and don't stop to think about what your receiving it can drain you. I only speak for myself. This past week in my life , I have experienced an event that has completely changed my perception on particular matters. It has also developed a strength within me that I now realize I lacked... we have got to learn to love ourselves...I have got to unconditionally love myself. That is the key ingredient to becoming the individual God has created in us to be. We are not just dust blowing carelessly in the wind.. we have divine purpose..No more asking God why? why this? why that? I realize if I have to question God , then ultimately I am questioning myself. Some where in the mist of this I realized that something's, just didn't make sense. If things don't make sense? It because something is wrong. If something is wrong, common comprehension tells us that something is not right. I honestly believe and know that the Holy spirit is that little voice in our head saying,"don't do that", "hey this is what is REALLY going on," "Leave that woman or man alone." I believe that many mistake that for gut instinct... Is there such a thing? Gut instinct? Or have we been so lost in ourselves and in others that we have come to believe what sounds good as valuable and blind to the fact its not to be true. Somethings that seem to make sense or light of the situation, Doing exactly what God has commanded us not to do. Which is lean on our own understanding , and to stand on his word.....I wont get into a sob story but a real one.....I have always prided myself for the ability to see past the outer shell and into the heart of an individual. Maybe its because i see a little part of me in them .. maybe I can identify it to a hurt or desire I have within my self.. I don't know.. I do know i am still soul searching, and questioning myself. Which may I add is a great start. "A closed mouth don't get fed, Seek and you shall find." Basically meaning for me that if you don't question yourself how will you ever get and answer .. and if you don't risk asking yourself or seeking for the answer,you will never find anything out. Some are still seeking, with blind eyes. Confusion has no place in a healthy mind, you need clarity to move forward and progress in life. For spirit filled individuals we know that confussion is not of god the word clearly states such. (1 Cor. 14:3) And in the same the word also states that those knowing of such and bringing such to ones life will answer accordingly(Gal 5:10) Situations and others can bring confusion into your spotlight.. So you must be wise in the company you keep.

" The only platform someone has in your life in the one you allow them to stand on,Holly Rendon 2009"

Okay,before I get off track.. back to my story.... I recently wanted to believe in something to be true and was completely frazzled to find out other wise. I wont go into detail.. I'll just keep it simple.. ever heard of the saying ALL OF A SUDDEN... well "all of a sudden" touched my life this week and at first I took the situation for its face value and it rocked me. knocked my composure off balance.. Ever had your composure rocked? Makes you feel out of control, angry, emotional, so many emotions. Fortunately emotions/ feelings are not stable they blow like wind. Come and go.. I refuse to live my life like dust just floating on the wind of emotions being tossed here and there, having nothing stable... I had to take the situation and find the root.. and it was not firmly planted. Which tells me that it had no real solid ground. When something is not solid and the foundation is rocked it crumbles. When you have 2 people in a relationship and the foundations get rocked you see the true character of a individual when all subsides. You know who was solid(real) , and who was faulty.... And that does not mean the one that couldn't hold it together the one that was not completely grounded isn't.. to keep it simple ... that is not real... it just means that there not ready. Its not the right time. They are still under contsruction. There is still progress to be made. Age and circumstance does not define the character of a person, or how much they know, how good they sound, how good they make you feel or don't for that matter. The true character is when all is striped away and you get to the ingredients of a person.. its there heart that makes them or breaks them..Actions do most definitely speak louder than words, and truth is a very powerful thing. And it does not mean that they are not worthy of the love you have given, in fact that love was of necessity in there life. It was a seed planted that will some day grow and blossom when the season in there life comes into play. And at that time there recolection of you will come rushing back with emotions uncontainable. I believe that we do reap what we sow. So always plant your harvest wholeheartly even if the caretaker recieving it doesnt know how to contain it. Someday they will come to to realize.........So I went through something this week that rocked me and I am still solid as a rock, a little bruised but not battered. Bruises heal. I have grown and that's the greatness of it all. Loosing someone /somethings have allowed me to find myself. The desire to want more and to not look back , but in the same never forget. Forgive ? YES. Forget never!.. How many of you just want to look at situations in your life and take it for face value? How many of you have recently been rocked?... I wanted to take this opportunity to let you all know that you are only alone in a journey if you choose to be. I leave on this note. Have you ever wanted to scream at the top of your lungs!! But didn't ...thinking someone thought you to be insane. Ever just wanted to say how you really feel? Well welcome to my world. It's just beginning .................................

"The hardest and Healthiest thing one can do for themselves is to be truthful to themselves even if it hurts. holly Rendon 2009"