Truth Be Told

I was sitting outside enjoying the fresh air today...... looking at the sunlight streak across the flower bed... I thought to myself how peaceful..... how beautiful........how could i have not allowed my self to enjoy this sooner............. these past five years have been a journey of recovery..... not just from pollutants that i have ridden my body and mind with... but pollutants that I have allowed in my life .... pollutants that have derailed me and slowed my progress of reaching my appointed destiny...... derailed me because of my own ignorance of particular matters of the heart......but what I didn't know then ... trust and believe I know now..... I kn0w beyond a shadow of doubt that god is great and his mercy prevails even the tragic of demise we self inflict upon ourselves because of decisions we have made .. from our own free will.... Like I mentioned before... I have ventured the wife life twice..... and that second time ... took me for a run... sometimes we want something so bad ...... we see things or others for that matter for what we wish them to be rather than whom or what they really are.... We see inside of that person or thing and stay.......because we tell ourselves we see the good and the potential they have or could one day obtain...... at least i know I did............... and sometimes trying to change someone or something can inevitably aid in you changing yourself.... and sometimes that is the worst thing ... we can do to our self... betray our self.... ... I allowed myself to endure situations and events that have forever changed my perception on life ... note it has never changed my heart ..... but it did create me to become more resilient in the ending conclusion.... we all crave love.........desire love...........yearn, even get burned.....for love..... but there comes a point in life where we can loose focus of what love is about.... because we are so caught up in the moment of situations ... and the thoughts of what we wish to be true.... holding on to hope that we didn't deny ourselves the truth............and that we didn't allow ourselves to become victims of someone else...understanding we were really victims of our self.... i say this because you only receive what you allow to be given...... sometimes good people receive undeserving bad for no apparent reason....... we victimize our self because we.... I repeat.. We allow situations to take place by inviting people, places, things unknowingly into our lives.........so be cautious in the company you keep.... we are human and imperfect..... and not all lessons must be learned or earned the hard way........ I wish i could say this then .... what I can say so easy now..............The key is before loving someone else.... first and foremost love yourself ............so i was out side today in the sun... jotting down some notes and putting pen to paper to record my deepest thoughts in song.... as I sat up a note fell out of my note book..... I opened it up it was a note I had composed one night November of 2005...... a night when i sat alone and really thought about how I had wanted something so bad that i had ultimately allowed myself to be broken down and lost my self in the process..... I cant say it something I'm proud to share... but I can say it is just one of many reasons I have developed standards in my decision making...... like I said before.. lessons learned the hard way..... hard knocks for hard heads..... I'm positive in knowing I am not the only person who has made decisions foolishly utilizing my heart as a decision maker .. rather than use my common sense to do what was best for me ......... so with that.. .. I don't want to keep this lil piece of me to myself.................I release this past and give it away ....

I had a lover I would do all and everything for...... Now i just want to even the score... He took my love and my laughter and filled me with fears......... He beat me down and left me.......... Drowning in a puddle of tears............... I unconditionally trusted him completely .................. with all my heart and my soul.............. He sold that too................ and left me cold........................... To cold to feel all the pain he left.......... To high to feel all his reject.... I gave them life ... and even then he took them away............... And till my last breath is taken ... I'll forever remember that day............. The wrenching i felt..... when My heart straight died......... The tears that left me gagging........ Falling from my blackened eyes....... How my world turned black with no remorse...... How I walked around High............ Like Death to a corpse............ I gave him my all.......... Even my trust.......... And after it all......... In the end? I was left licking up dust............. He took my pride...... He crushed my hope............ all I could do was smoke just to cope....... Somehow I'd lost my plan........ he was the master ..... I........... the clay in his hand.......... God damn that man............ I don't understand.......... How once I was his biggest fan. Holly Rendon 2005

OK not the happiest piece of me... but a piece of me non the less..... Now I can look into the eyes of my children with so much love and peace in knowing there is no greater love but there's and the pure love of God.. That sometimes we make foolish decisions based on our own insecurities .. and sometimes we hurt the joys in our lives because of those choices... I am so grateful today for yet another chance to live,... to love..... to laugh............and to continue living the rest of my days .... as if each one was my last........................ Remember I said I was gonna keep it real raw and uncut.... I'm reaching for healing ... I'm grasping on to hope, faith keeps me moving........... and God helps me cope...........

Be Real......Be Wise....Be You................

A time comes in your life when you finally get it... When in the mist of all your fears & insanity you stop dead in your tracks & somewhere the voice inside your head cries enough!!! Enough fighting & crying, struggling to hold on. And like a child quieting down after a tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you blink back your tears & threw wet lash's you begin to look at the world through new eyes... You realize it's time to stop hoping & waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety & security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact he is not prince charming, you are not Cinderella and in the real world there are not always fairy tale endings or beginnings. A happily ever after really begins with you, and through this process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. My mother wrote me once and said... "You are not perfect, not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are... and that’s OK. It’s their views, their opinions. If you live your life trying to please everyone around you? You will leave no room to please yourself”. I have learned the importance of loving yourself, and finding confidence? births self approval. Stop complaining and blaming other people for things they did to you... or did not do for you... learn that the only thing you can count on is the unexpected. Learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say & that not everyone will always be there for you. Stand on your own and take care of yourself and in the process safety & security will birth self reliance...Stop judging & pointing fingers. Begin to accept people as they are & overlook there shortcomings & human frailties... and in this process a sense of peace & contentment brings forth forgiveness...Realize that much of the way you view yourself and the world around you is a result of all the messages & opinions that have been en-grained into your psyche. Sift threw all that you have been fed about how you should behave, look, weigh, wear, shop, drive, live, work, sleep, marry, expect of a marriage, the importance of having children, raising them, and what you think you owe your parents. Open up to new worlds & different points of view, begin reassessing, redefining who you are & what you stand for (REALLY)!! Learn the difference between wanting & needing... Learn to go with your instincts and trust in God with all of your life... Learn that it is truly in giving that we receive...There is power and glory in creating & contributing... Stop maneuvering threw life as a consumer, fiend, looking for your next fix... Learn the principles; honesty & Integrity, faith & prayer are the motor that holds together the foundation upon which your life must be built. It’s OK not to know everything. Distinguishing between guilt & responsibility, the importance of setting boundaries, learn to say No!!! The only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry. Martyrs get burned at the stake. Learn bout love. Romantic love & familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving & when to walk away. Don’t project your needs, feelings onto a relationship. (I will not be more beautiful, intelligent, lovable, and important because of the person on my arm. Look relationships as they really are, not as you would have them to be. Don’t try to control people, situations & outcomes. Just as people grow & change, so is it with love…. You don’t have the right to demand love on your terms just to make you happy. Alone does not mean lonely… Look in the mirror & come to terms with the fact you will never be a size 2 or a perfect 10 & you stop trying 2 compete with the image inside your head & agonizing over how you stack up. Stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over & ignoring your needs. Learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK. It’s your right to want & that sometimes it is necessary to make demands. You realize that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity, respect & won’t settle for less!! Allow yourself a love who will cherish you to glorify you with there touch & in that process you internalize the meaning of self-respect. Learn that your body is your temple, care for it & treat it with respect, eat right and take care of your health, take time to rest, take time to laugh and play… laughter fuels the soul. You learn that in life you get what you believe you deserve & life is self fulfilling. Anything worth achieving is worth working for & wishing for something to happen is DIFFERENT than working toward making it happen….In order to achieve success you need direction, discipline & perseverance. No one can do it alone & its OK to risk asking for help... You learn that the only thing in fear is fear itself. You learn to fight for your life & not squander it. Life is not fair, you don’t always get what you want or think you deserve & sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting good people. You learn it’s not God punishing you or failing to answer your prayers, its just life happening. Learn that negative feelings, anger, resentment, must be understood & redirected so as not to suffocate the life left in you. Admit when you’re wrong & build bridges instead of walls. Take comfort in the simple things you once took for granted. Live life for God, for you and the rest will fall into place.