Truth Be Told

I was sitting outside enjoying the fresh air today...... looking at the sunlight streak across the flower bed... I thought to myself how peaceful..... how beautiful........how could i have not allowed my self to enjoy this sooner............. these past five years have been a journey of recovery..... not just from pollutants that i have ridden my body and mind with... but pollutants that I have allowed in my life .... pollutants that have derailed me and slowed my progress of reaching my appointed destiny...... derailed me because of my own ignorance of particular matters of the heart......but what I didn't know then ... trust and believe I know now..... I kn0w beyond a shadow of doubt that god is great and his mercy prevails even the tragic of demise we self inflict upon ourselves because of decisions we have made .. from our own free will.... Like I mentioned before... I have ventured the wife life twice..... and that second time ... took me for a run... sometimes we want something so bad ...... we see things or others for that matter for what we wish them to be rather than whom or what they really are.... We see inside of that person or thing and stay.......because we tell ourselves we see the good and the potential they have or could one day obtain...... at least i know I did............... and sometimes trying to change someone or something can inevitably aid in you changing yourself.... and sometimes that is the worst thing ... we can do to our self... betray our self.... ... I allowed myself to endure situations and events that have forever changed my perception on life ... note it has never changed my heart ..... but it did create me to become more resilient in the ending conclusion.... we all crave love.........desire love...........yearn, even get burned.....for love..... but there comes a point in life where we can loose focus of what love is about.... because we are so caught up in the moment of situations ... and the thoughts of what we wish to be true.... holding on to hope that we didn't deny ourselves the truth............and that we didn't allow ourselves to become victims of someone else...understanding we were really victims of our self.... i say this because you only receive what you allow to be given...... sometimes good people receive undeserving bad for no apparent reason....... we victimize our self because we.... I repeat.. We allow situations to take place by inviting people, places, things unknowingly into our lives.........so be cautious in the company you keep.... we are human and imperfect..... and not all lessons must be learned or earned the hard way........ I wish i could say this then .... what I can say so easy now..............The key is before loving someone else.... first and foremost love yourself ............so i was out side today in the sun... jotting down some notes and putting pen to paper to record my deepest thoughts in song.... as I sat up a note fell out of my note book..... I opened it up it was a note I had composed one night November of 2005...... a night when i sat alone and really thought about how I had wanted something so bad that i had ultimately allowed myself to be broken down and lost my self in the process..... I cant say it something I'm proud to share... but I can say it is just one of many reasons I have developed standards in my decision making...... like I said before.. lessons learned the hard way..... hard knocks for hard heads..... I'm positive in knowing I am not the only person who has made decisions foolishly utilizing my heart as a decision maker .. rather than use my common sense to do what was best for me ......... so with that.. .. I don't want to keep this lil piece of me to myself.................I release this past and give it away ....

I had a lover I would do all and everything for...... Now i just want to even the score... He took my love and my laughter and filled me with fears......... He beat me down and left me.......... Drowning in a puddle of tears............... I unconditionally trusted him completely .................. with all my heart and my soul.............. He sold that too................ and left me cold........................... To cold to feel all the pain he left.......... To high to feel all his reject.... I gave them life ... and even then he took them away............... And till my last breath is taken ... I'll forever remember that day............. The wrenching i felt..... when My heart straight died......... The tears that left me gagging........ Falling from my blackened eyes....... How my world turned black with no remorse...... How I walked around High............ Like Death to a corpse............ I gave him my all.......... Even my trust.......... And after it all......... In the end? I was left licking up dust............. He took my pride...... He crushed my hope............ all I could do was smoke just to cope....... Somehow I'd lost my plan........ he was the master ..... I........... the clay in his hand.......... God damn that man............ I don't understand.......... How once I was his biggest fan. Holly Rendon 2005

OK not the happiest piece of me... but a piece of me non the less..... Now I can look into the eyes of my children with so much love and peace in knowing there is no greater love but there's and the pure love of God.. That sometimes we make foolish decisions based on our own insecurities .. and sometimes we hurt the joys in our lives because of those choices... I am so grateful today for yet another chance to live,... to love..... to laugh............and to continue living the rest of my days .... as if each one was my last........................ Remember I said I was gonna keep it real raw and uncut.... I'm reaching for healing ... I'm grasping on to hope, faith keeps me moving........... and God helps me cope...........