We all fall short.. but we are all Worthy

4 White walls my prison cell

This life Iv'e lived has been str8 hell

So much time to sit and reflect

so much hurt so much reject

Misunderstood, hoodlum my lable

My homelife had never been stable.

Fosterhomes

Grouphomes

Streets Ive lived, hustled and roamed

Alone to come up on my own...My feet have been shackeld

The food taste like sh&!

the silence oh man.

that made me sick..

When I got free

who gave a f&c!

Only the homies who helped me come up.

Ward of the state till I get cut loose

Abandoned and bruised Deafeat....?

I REFUZED

I swallowed my tears Cuz i was told Gangsters dont cry

Held my head up.. For only the strong shall survive.... By Holly Rendon 1991

I found this original poem I wrote to myself when I was just a young tender.13 years old..ive changed it through the years.applied pieces and bits here and there of it in other works i've written . but this is it in its original form...,,, and i read it 2day and I look into the eyes of my babies my daughters and i think to myself man.. I cant imagine ... couldnt even comprenhend the thought of them having lived a pinch of my history. My oldest will be 13 in 2 months and sometimes it just terrifies me.. Change is great but the memories will always remain the same.. i did the best i could with what I was given . not truley having the proper tools for successs. and just jumped every hurdle that came my way.. and when i did fall?... did what only i knew to do.. brush the dirt off my shoulder and keep moving, keep smashing forward to the next goal. by all means neccesary survive or die trying.. Dont get me wrong I love the legit life.. theres peace and praise in hard work and effeciancy through the struggle.. yet i didnt think Id live to c 31.. so i lived from 1 extreme to the next, mashing and smashing trying to bulldozed every weak individual out my way until i found myself crashing. All i wanted to do was give them all i never had.. Id never concidered i would eventlually only give them all I had ever known... i aint embarrased to put pen to paper or tips to keys and shower my life here for those to read.. c im real as real as it gets and only for that do i want my respect.I recall being up late many of nights with so much torment in my head and not having the ability to shake the thoughts. i was missing my babies so much. it was like my heart was shattered, mended and pieces were missing .. the pieces that fell through the cracks .. so it just wouldnt beat right...i had finally achieved MY DREAM.. a family.. a family to call my own.. and like emerald .. BAM!!! it all went up with the smoke.. the smoke that I had used just to cope.I lost it all... and to stay real... for the record.. Somewhere along that journey I also lost myself.. I had this thugg life in my veins, and it had been phucking me off since I was a tender, I thought having childeren would bring out a softer side of me, yet I remained a savage in many ways. Hardheaded, A stubborn (lord 4 give me) Bit%$ who went for the Gold and always got it. but in the same in some sicc twisted way enjoyed getting hurt and surrounded myself with shyt, bullshyt, and some mo shyt...I used to think " I'm doing the best I can" thats all i evr could, the best way i knew and know. hating my beauty at times yet using it as deception knowing that behind the smile I was really just a lil girl thrown to a world to grow up fast ,so young, cover her wounds and fears, dry up her tears , and learn to depend on mutha F'n no-one. I came up solo on the Street of the Big NO.. hustlen to Survive each and everyday.. why u say? because.. I knew of nuthing else..but just that... and Fearing nuthing and no-one but God himself.. So lost in in the game i couldnt even give it up for the lives of my precious baby girls or my first born Son.. I Fuc'd up I'm women enuff to Admit it.. I allowed my heart to be lead by my emotion.. I begun to feel when i never did. I cried when I promised I wouldnt. i let my guard down and got infantrated... This soldier str8 slipped..But I contined threw the stormy weather just kept living , continued keepin the faith , kept rollen so i couldnt get rolled over.. And I have to admit i've come along way. farther than Ive ever been brave enough to venture. Ive opened up doors that Ive had shut. I'm allowing the women inside to step up. I look back at the girl I'm leaving behin Im human , i still cry from the hurt deep inside, i want more than people could know... but just for today I'm taking it slow... I'm a wild flower precious and free and finally living a life.. thats been waiting for me.I'm positive that all these single parents out here doing it on there on there own didnt plann it to b that way.. cuz lord knows it aint easy, and I aint talking bout financially .. I'm talking bout holding your babies in your arms and rockin em to sleep as you wipe there tears cuz mommy or daddy aint been round in months for some ... years!.. or for that parent up late crying and dying inside because the state has there babies feeling defeated cuz they cant rectify there mistakes. We all fall short. I know I have. But From Dollers to Dope fiens .. we all love of kids and want the best for them .. its just the poor choices we make along the way and sometimes we dont relize it till its to late and we do hurt the ones we love . our kids. Im greatful today cuz im living 5years clean and thats nuthing nobody can give or take from me.. thats definition of heart , self love, self worth, hard work.. I showed a system out to prove i was corupt from the floor up that by all means neccasary I wasnt going to let them raise my babies and fail them just as they had failed me..IHeres a piece of me to share...

Its been 1 year since I lost my mother to heroin and I have my moments of struggle when I dont have the answers I need to the questions I have on just what it is Im doing as a Mother.. I ran away from Home at the tender age of 9 and saw my mother once a few monthes after that. never to see her again. I never thought the next time i would here of her would be from the county coroners office in another county to tell me i was next of kin.. I guess I'm still trying to process all of that. and in the same look at my life and see just how I broke the chain..the curse......Everybody is in need of prayer...................even me ... Even you

so heres to all my Heros .. those climbing from Gutter to Glory .. i got madd Respect for you. Keep your head up! Never give up!

God’s word is “ Sharper than any two-edged sword” Hebrews 4:12)

This past week I have had the opportunity to look inward and recognize with clarity the root of seeds flourishing in my spirit. seeds bearing fruit that do not profit me. Seeds that were planted to create discord and discouragement. I found myself struggling with emotions I was unable to contain... trying to control?.. yes!...contain ... not in the slightest... what individual in there natural state of mind does not try to control there emotions... especially when they are determined to seep out threw tears .. trying to cleans the body of unwanted saddness. Though we should not walk or be lead by emotions .. sometimes we do.......we are created imperfect.... the key is to recognize this and turn to God for direction ....and discernment...... to provide clarity.....creating understanding.... cleansing...promoting healing.... extending to progress.... and proceeding..... towards growth...by obtaining knowledge..... only to excel. i couldn't have found or came to understanding anything i have with out fervent prayer and seeking god on my face.
It is very easy to... just to keep it simple.. tell someone exactly how you are feeling.. thinking... reacting.... to be quick to respond to a comment that was piercing and meant to discourage ... hurt.. humiliate.... and sometimes even mock you... It is so hard sometimes to do what Christ has commanded us and forgive.“If you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses” (Mark 11:25) Sometimes its even harder when you know the person is someone who proclaims to walk with God in public but behind closed doors allows Satan to attack you threw them... and the hardest part is ... identifying that to be the root .. and that it is indeed not the individual.... but that they have unfortunately succeeded in allowing the enemy to use them as such a tool... that's why it is very important to stay armored up in gods word......so that when the enemy attacks....... you are prepared by having the word of god in your heart.. And for the individual knowingly not taken heed to Gods laws and speaking lies and creating discord they too shall fall under gods wrath.... ex specially those having sworn to uphold Gods law or ......................... a least proclaiming to (Leviticus 5:4).
A little piece of me...... i recently shared that I was shaken by an event unexpected... and threw Gods Grace,... his mercy.... his love..... i still am encourage to move forward..... to find healing in knowing the greater good that will abound from what at first I thought to be a trial .....to be tragedy....
I have had a individual that has stepped into my inner circle unwelcome...uninvited....uninvited by me...proclaiming to walk with God..i say this not to judge but because of the fruit being brought forth by this individuals deeds.. so sour... and not sweet or pleasing to taste.... trying to be the bigger person sometimes can make you wary........make your tired... straight up make you irritated... it is so easy to just give in and really give somebody a piece of your of mind... but its more work to hold your tongue and not.......so with that being said.... Prayer works my people... man.... the situation I'm facing at this moment ... I know God is good......and my relationship with him is so evident .. I'm falling in love with it.... i found myself for the first time able not to strike back at an individuals statements negatively but with Gods words as constructive correction..... that was not me but god threw me... and i found peace replacing the anger that was stirring within...
Have you ever ran into Christan's proclaiming to be Christ like in public but behind closed doors the walk as UN-Christian's.. they remind me of white washed walls..(Matthew 23:27) walls that look good on the outside but are empty on the inside.. Speaking and using god as if he was waterfall on there lips... throwing there words out there to take a position that they are mighty in there walk with God and your walk is nothing but pebbles in sand in comparison.. But the quiet....... the meek?... those that seek God on there face and stay in there closets.... they are those that when facing challenges, the word of God will flow profusely and without discord or confusion but constructively. Trust and believe......... i know this was not me.... but God threw me...so attached you will find a letter i addressed to someone today. Don't want to keep this to myself.... so ???????? I'm gonna give it away..

Dear Ms.X,
Responding to your criticism of sowing seeds of discord and all the emails that you are reading that I have not responded to, for they were not for you .. Rather than let my flesh and my emotions speak I have sought God and this is what I will say only once.

” If I were to try to read, much less answer, all the attacks made on me, this shop might as well be closed for other business. I do the very best I know how- the very best I can: and I mean to keep doing so until the end. If the end brings me out all right, what’s said against me won’t amount to anything. If the end brings me wrong, ten angels swearing I was right would make no difference- Abraham Lincoln)

and may I add…

“Having your conduct honorable among the Gentiles, that when they speak against you as evildoers, they may, by your good works which they observe, glorify God” (1 Peter 2:12) Criticism can consume our lives to the point of emotional paralysis, or we can set our hearts to serve God on display. Doing that? We don’t need to answer our critics with our words- our lives will say all that is needed. Ms. X, I know you’re familiar with the parable of the sower. People who hear the Word and receive it joyfully are like seed sown on stony places: they spring up quickly but endure only a short time because they have no roots (Matt. 13:6, 20-21) Roots are not all that glamorous, but they are the source of our strength. If our roots go deep in the knowledge of God (Jere. 9:24) and our lives are hidden in Christ (Col 3:3), we’ll be strong, resistant to blight, and more likely to survive the storms of adversity. But that does not mean that it will not pain us in the process... Hurt is real. The most powerful Testimony is a Godly life..

Paul’s last recorded words dealt not with what he had done in life and ministry but rather with how he viewed people. What makes it more significant is that some of those words were about people who had disappointed him ...”At my first defense no one stood with me, but all forsook me. May it not be charged against them”(2 Tim 4:16) His last words were those of compassion and kindness instead of harshness and retaliation. Will your last words show the grace of Christ or the bitterness of a wounded heart? The answer should impact the words we use today.. What words will be your legacy? Why is it when you hear or read about someone who is suffering, you are more interested in the details of what, why, when, and where than you are about how you can help. Read (John 9:1-12) Jesus revealed they were dreadfully out of step with there Masters Heart. In fact, lurking beneath there question was a judgmental spirit- a desire to know who to blame- as if that would make anyone feel better! Feeling curious about somebody’s problem? Shift into Jesus mode and move past the point of curiosity to his or her point of need. Reach out and touch someone’s pain. Show the compassionate love of Jesus in action.. Amongst gods commands to his people is “you shall not bear false witness against your neighbor”(Ex. 20:16) gossip could also be included in the command because it violates the law of love toward our neighbor. Proverbs uses strong language to describe this use of our words. “It’s like “a club, a sword, and a sharp arrow” against others (25:18)

When I feel wrong, I can contrive a hundred reasons against forgiveness. “He needs to learn a lesson’”” she said that to be spiteful and sow discouragement” “I let her stew for awhile; It’ll do her good.” “It is not up to Holly to make the first move.” When I finally soften to a point of granting forgiveness, sought God through prayer, it seems a leap from hard logic to mushy sentiment. One factor that motivates me to forgive is that as a Christian I am commanded to. As the child of the father who forgives. Jesus said, “If you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses” (Mark 11:25)

HE WHO CANNOT FORGIVE OTHERS BURNS THE BRIDGE OVER WHICH HE HIMSELF MUST PASS-Herbert

The discerning believer understands his own heart and takes steps to deal with conflict diplomatically Proverbs 17:27 tells us: “He who has knowledge spares his words.” This means keeping in check a multitude of opinions that could ignite further anger in others. Someone who displays wisdom will think before speaking, and then will share only insights likely to be helpful. Have you ever read the book THE EAST OF EDEN? It illustrates the conflict of jealousy and revenge in the story of Cain and Able. Cain burned with Anger(Gen 4:1-6) Cain’s anger and jealously if not brought under control, would eat him up and spill out in destructive behavior. But if you bring your anger to the lord and ask for his help, in his strength you will have victory.. The book shares how an angry heart burning with revenge does not have to act a certain way. There’s always a choice….. That’s the free will you had expressed earlier in one of your earlier responses.. This marriage that you continuously speak of being brought back is of Gods will that its not of his will for it to be apart? You spoke of everyone having there own will… I do know that that what god has joined together let no man put asunder. It was your will that filed for Divorce.. Not Gods will.. Everything that has played out is a ramification of everyone being outside of the will of God. Including me. Sometimes getting real is hard to face. Even had to do.. Seems I have noticed that some Christians act decidedly UN-Christian while trying to prove how Godly they are….. Choosing to protect personal preference rather than demonstrate the love of Jesus to a watching world.. .. In his love, we don’t react disdainfully toward others simply because we don’t agree. Jesus said, “By this all will know that you are my disciples, if you love for one another”(John 13:35) Do others see the love of Jesus in you when they see your behavior?( 1 John 4:21). “ The Lord does not see as man sees; for men looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” (1 Samuel 16:1-7) God’s word is “ Sharper than any two-edged sword” Hebrews 4:12) piercing all the way through the external stuff of our lives, all the way down to our thoughts, intentions, and REAL MOTIVES……………

Over all I think God allowed me to go threw this because he wanted me to see what happens when Holly puts herself in charge. What we think, feel is not necessarily the best that GOD desires for us. Isaiah 55:8 the Lord said my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways”…. When you have time on your hands put them together in Prayer.. Ephesians 5:15-16

Thank you

Gutter to Glory

OK here it goes..... I have come to a conclusion that in my short lived adventurous amount of time spent here on Earth.. I have journeyed from gutter to glory. and all before I was 30.. wow.. as I sit and reminisce... reflect.. recollect all the years.........years of searching, seeking, clawing and crawling, underestimated, misread, mishandled, misused, misplaced, neglected, dazed, confused, breathing..... yet choking.... gasping and barely able to move....desiring, longing, needy......not greedy, hurting yet humble, scared, scarred, bruised, used...... Fearful.. yet still faithful.. hopeful, yet.... careful, broken, cracked, weakness's for some, became strengths that were lacked.....surviving, struggling, standing alone.... well i thought...now realizing.. i was never alone.. my God has always been beside me.... carrying me threw my past and into my present.... I am truly thankful and praise God for all and everything I have endured... because now i understand why I had to go through what i have conquered...lost all i had gained fast and through the streets, through hustle ,and obtained through the game... all in vain for worldly fame......and was brought down on my knees.. literally licking up dirt from rock bottom as God reached down and pulled me back up.... completely broke me down and shook the foundations that i stood on so he could build me back up triumphantly and and place me firmly on solid ground... and providing clarity and restoration within my mind so as to utilize the wisdom obtained to continue towards my calling for his purpose... and his glory...........I have finally came to a turning point in my life where i can tell the Devil to "Kick rocks.. and put some dust between us!"..So many times I find my self drawn to just talk openly about myself with complete strangers ...From the prominent to the down right drunk and disorderly... always a different subject however..... forever ending on the same note ...that God is amazing.. and knowing that in some way.... no matter how small.. i have just planted a seed of hope in a strangers life.. and sometimes... i think, wow that was weird????? That... that person would be going through that.. and that i have gone through that.. and that we were here at the same time to testify to the fact that God is a God of restoration and ... a God of Hope...that he knows every pain ... and understands... and that through him All things are possible....(1 Cor 9:22).... Well with that being said.... let me tell you something about me... the whole truth and nothing but the truth.. I hope that by me sharing my testimonies of trial and error .. I can lead some suffering sinner to the kingdom of Christ... share the hope I have found within myself because of Gods unfailing love for me... a love that is just to precious to keep to my self..

Well as you may already know My name is Holly... hello... very nice to meet you.. and I have endured some tragedies in my life that to be honest don't want to keep to myself anymore..... so I'm going to give them away... piece by piece.......

I lived the life of a ghetto star Hood queen, Crystallized dope fiend,
That hard knock life full of broken dreams.....unfair? ya, it seems.
raised on welfare, I always knew my life was unfair.
My mother had a habit, the kind where you slam it, for give me Lord.......
but............ God damn it I couldn't stand it.
i was told to always keep my head to the sky, Forever keep my dreams and ambitions alive.. ..... Always to live each day... as if it was truly my last... Cause I can survive ....or die trying......... incredibly fast.....
Living the life of hate and strife.... I've ventured the wife life... twice... It wasn't nice.... Advice?
The streets will eat you up like locust... So NEVER loose focus.. Cause like a savage? The streets are ferocious.................
It has been a hard life, been a hard walk, However...

I'm still breathing.. where some just cant talk..Came up in the game.. lived that hood life of shame... everybody knows your name... nobody forgets your face... .. trying to stay ahead of the race until my addictions gave chase.............
Running wild and high.. In this life its survive.. or die...
Where the weak get smashed.. and only the strong will last..... or get hustled ... real fast...... but to keep it so real? I screwed up...... I was lit up......Spousal abuse had my mind bound up.... I'd given up.. My heart was mangled... my life.. was tangled... My mind locked up in shangle's....
The tears had soon faded ... but back then they just fell.. . I dropped the ball.. only thing left ?...was to crawl........ Lord caress me.. Bless me I was weak and ready to fall......then.. I threw up my hands and cried.... save me!!!!

Holly Rendon 2005

Well there you have it just a piece of me.... gotta give it away to continue moving forward... Going to break the barriers and the fears of being real, completely and totally. I realized the only thing to fear is fear itself... From what i have witnessed in my short life as it pertains to others ability to grow and progress and move past there failures and fears? Is some individuals are just to scared to be real, raw and uncut....... worried about how others may view them...what a sad way to continue living life.

the only opinion that truly matters, is the opinion one holds of themselves.

I know I am not the only one out here still searching and ready to grow.................
I wont worry about trying to sound as though I'm intellectual and that i have all the answers, the only answers i have are the ones that i have sought for myself.. i do pray that giving a piece of me can relate to someone.. even if only one...... and implant a desire for something much more within themselves.... a craving... a crving for?... more than the life that he or she has lived.....to desire the life awaiting them .. if they are daring enough to venture to the brighter side of life...so god bless you and enjoy this little piece of me