4 White walls my prison cell
This life Iv'e lived has been str8 hell
So much time to sit and reflect
so much hurt so much reject
Misunderstood, hoodlum my lable
My homelife had never been stable.
Fosterhomes
Grouphomes
Streets Ive lived, hustled and roamed
Alone to come up on my own...My feet have been shackeld
The food taste like sh&!
the silence oh man.
that made me sick..
When I got free
who gave a f&c!
Only the homies who helped me come up.
Ward of the state till I get cut loose
Abandoned and bruised Deafeat....?
I REFUZED
I swallowed my tears Cuz i was told Gangsters dont cry
Held my head up.. For only the strong shall survive.... By Holly Rendon 1991
I found this original poem I wrote to myself when I was just a young tender.13 years old..ive changed it through the years.applied pieces and bits here and there of it in other works i've written . but this is it in its original form...,,, and i read it 2day and I look into the eyes of my babies my daughters and i think to myself man.. I cant imagine ... couldnt even comprenhend the thought of them having lived a pinch of my history. My oldest will be 13 in 2 months and sometimes it just terrifies me.. Change is great but the memories will always remain the same.. i did the best i could with what I was given . not truley having the proper tools for successs. and just jumped every hurdle that came my way.. and when i did fall?... did what only i knew to do.. brush the dirt off my shoulder and keep moving, keep smashing forward to the next goal. by all means neccesary survive or die trying.. Dont get me wrong I love the legit life.. theres peace and praise in hard work and effeciancy through the struggle.. yet i didnt think Id live to c 31.. so i lived from 1 extreme to the next, mashing and smashing trying to bulldozed every weak individual out my way until i found myself crashing. All i wanted to do was give them all i never had.. Id never concidered i would eventlually only give them all I had ever known... i aint embarrased to put pen to paper or tips to keys and shower my life here for those to read.. c im real as real as it gets and only for that do i want my respect.I recall being up late many of nights with so much torment in my head and not having the ability to shake the thoughts. i was missing my babies so much. it was like my heart was shattered, mended and pieces were missing .. the pieces that fell through the cracks .. so it just wouldnt beat right...i had finally achieved MY DREAM.. a family.. a family to call my own.. and like emerald .. BAM!!! it all went up with the smoke.. the smoke that I had used just to cope.I lost it all... and to stay real... for the record.. Somewhere along that journey I also lost myself.. I had this thugg life in my veins, and it had been phucking me off since I was a tender, I thought having childeren would bring out a softer side of me, yet I remained a savage in many ways. Hardheaded, A stubborn (lord 4 give me) Bit%$ who went for the Gold and always got it. but in the same in some sicc twisted way enjoyed getting hurt and surrounded myself with shyt, bullshyt, and some mo shyt...I used to think " I'm doing the best I can" thats all i evr could, the best way i knew and know. hating my beauty at times yet using it as deception knowing that behind the smile I was really just a lil girl thrown to a world to grow up fast ,so young, cover her wounds and fears, dry up her tears , and learn to depend on mutha F'n no-one. I came up solo on the Street of the Big NO.. hustlen to Survive each and everyday.. why u say? because.. I knew of nuthing else..but just that... and Fearing nuthing and no-one but God himself.. So lost in in the game i couldnt even give it up for the lives of my precious baby girls or my first born Son.. I Fuc'd up I'm women enuff to Admit it.. I allowed my heart to be lead by my emotion.. I begun to feel when i never did. I cried when I promised I wouldnt. i let my guard down and got infantrated... This soldier str8 slipped..But I contined threw the stormy weather just kept living , continued keepin the faith , kept rollen so i couldnt get rolled over.. And I have to admit i've come along way. farther than Ive ever been brave enough to venture. Ive opened up doors that Ive had shut. I'm allowing the women inside to step up. I look back at the girl I'm leaving behin Im human , i still cry from the hurt deep inside, i want more than people could know... but just for today I'm taking it slow... I'm a wild flower precious and free and finally living a life.. thats been waiting for me.I'm positive that all these single parents out here doing it on there on there own didnt plann it to b that way.. cuz lord knows it aint easy, and I aint talking bout financially .. I'm talking bout holding your babies in your arms and rockin em to sleep as you wipe there tears cuz mommy or daddy aint been round in months for some ... years!.. or for that parent up late crying and dying inside because the state has there babies feeling defeated cuz they cant rectify there mistakes. We all fall short. I know I have. But From Dollers to Dope fiens .. we all love of kids and want the best for them .. its just the poor choices we make along the way and sometimes we dont relize it till its to late and we do hurt the ones we love . our kids. Im greatful today cuz im living 5years clean and thats nuthing nobody can give or take from me.. thats definition of heart , self love, self worth, hard work.. I showed a system out to prove i was corupt from the floor up that by all means neccasary I wasnt going to let them raise my babies and fail them just as they had failed me..IHeres a piece of me to share...
Its been 1 year since I lost my mother to heroin and I have my moments of struggle when I dont have the answers I need to the questions I have on just what it is Im doing as a Mother.. I ran away from Home at the tender age of 9 and saw my mother once a few monthes after that. never to see her again. I never thought the next time i would here of her would be from the county coroners office in another county to tell me i was next of kin.. I guess I'm still trying to process all of that. and in the same look at my life and see just how I broke the chain..the curse......Everybody is in need of prayer...................even me ... Even you
so heres to all my Heros .. those climbing from Gutter to Glory .. i got madd Respect for you. Keep your head up! Never give up!
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